Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Introduction to the Escapades

Last month, my job was sent to India.  It's ok; it was a crappy job and I didn't much care for it.  Being unemployed means that I have a lot of time on my hands, but very little money.  Luckily, I stockpile food.  Currently, I have enough to feed the inhabitants of a small country.  Like Vatican City.  I could feed the Pope, the Swiss Guard, and maybe even the cardinals.  For a couple weeks.  You might think I'm kidding, but you would be wrong.  I live alone, so having the volume of food that I have is pretty ridiculous.  Since I have to tighten the belt a bit, I decided to try an experiment, or what I like to think of as "escapades".  I am allowing myself to buy staples, such as milk, eggs, sugar, and fresh fruit, but NOTHING ELSE.  This means that I will have to subsist on the food that I've already purchased, until I run out.  This should be interesting.  But first, a bit of a history.

I began my stockpiling after watching an episode of Door Knock Dinners on Food Network.  Iron Chefs Morimoto and Sakai were sent to the home of some unwitting Americans, presumably deep in the Midwest.  The fantastic and delightful meal that they made for the aforementioned unwitting family involved fish sticks and American cheese slices.  Iron Chef Sakai looked like he wanted to crawl under a rock and die when the final meal was presented.  I'd be willing to bet that no secret ingredient in Kitchen Stadium was ever more challenging than that which greeted him in the home of John Q. and Suzy American.  I didn't really expect Gordon Elliott to show up on my doorstep with some Iron Chefs in tow, but I still didn't want to take any chances.  From that moment on, I made a conscious effort to have a full pantry and well-stocked refrigerator.  But maybe I got a little carried away.

Yesterday, I decided to do an inventory of my freezer.  I have a small freezer compartment as part of my refrigerator.  No extra freezer space.  So everything I found was jammed in 2 cubic feet.  I ended up throwing away lamb chops from 2008.  I moved here in 2009!  Why did I even bring those with me??  I threw out something labelled "chicken", but, based on its appearance, I have my doubts.  I have "French Kisses" in there.  If you don't know, French Kisses are brandy-soaked prunes stuffed with foie gras.  They're quite a delicacy and not cheap.  And they taste like feet.  Literally.  I took one bite and spit the rest into the trash can.  Then gagged every time I threw something else away, because I could still smell it in the garbage.  Yet, I kept those.  For a year.  Doing inventory yesterday, I said (out loud, to myself), "These are the worst tasting things I've ever eaten."  Then I put them right back in the freezer.  Lest you think that I'm joking about my stockpiling habits, here's the list of items that I KEPT in the freezer:

3 logs of oatmeal raisin cookie dough (you never know when you might need to bake a batch!)
1 Amy's frozen Indian dinner
1 package bacon
1/2 package turkey bacon
2 bags of peas
1/2 package of phyllo
1 bag of pearl onions (I don't even like pearl onions)
1 1/2 bags shelled edamame
1/2 bag broccoli
1/2 bag French fries
1/2 bag hash browns
1/2 bag of meatballs
1 loaf of white bread
1 large slice of foie gras
1 1/2 bags mixed vegetables
1/2 bag diced cooked chicken
8 breakfast sausage links
1 portion potato soup
parsley, chives, basil
2 potato pancakes (I initially thought they were an English muffin.  I don't label anything)
tomato paste
veal demi-glace
those god-awful French Kisses
3 fish fillets
1 sirloin steak
4 chicken breasts
3 pounds salted butter
6 1/2 pounds unsalted butter

NINE pounds of butter??  I still can't believe that it all fit in my freezer.  Now, based on that, think about how much I must have in the pantry.  It boggles the mind.  At least in the beginning, I'll be eating very well.  Not in a nutrition sense, but in a volume and variety sense.  By the end, I may be dining on goldfish crackers and ketchup.  And butter.  But I will be updating regularly with the results of my escapades and any recipes that evolve from them.

1 comment:

  1. seriously.......9 lbs of butter, what are you going to do with all of it before the end of the world in 2012???